RE: Lonliness

In response to Jasons post about "Loneliness"

I agree with Bryan (Comment found here)...

Lately, inspired in part by John Ortberg's The Life You've Always Wanted, I am trying to retrain myself to "train" instead of "try." By this, I mean that I am using each experience, in the context of your post, each connection, to better my understanding of the thing, and how to improve it for the future. Case in point: I had a hard time for a long time seeing girls here in Seattle as anything other than potential girlfriends. Definite barrier to a legitimate connection as the reality was that as long as I maintained that thought process, I would never get to know any of them well enough to date them. So I trained myself to literally see them as "sisters" in Christ. That is looking at them through the same eyes that I see Amanda. There was a dramatic change in my "connection" with them, resulting in me being much more empathetic to girls in general and not saddling them with all of my problems and preconceptions. This let me really get to know them, though I am still a bit slow on letting them get to know me. Ironically now I am faced with the challenge of contextualizing my relationships as the knowledge that I have and relationship that I have formed with two of them have really exceeded what is probably appropriate for a guy-girl non-dating connection.

Back to your issue at hand. I would say that a lot of the problems with people connecting are built on what Bryan said. There is an existing preconception of what a connection/friendship/relationship is supposed to look like in completion, when in fact; there is no completion, but rather a continuum of experiences. When people fail to see the continuum and don't aquire their preconception, they assume failure and cease to try, resulting in stagnation and a feeling of a lack of connection.

I think this continuum ties in tightly with my ideas on love, but more on that later.

I would also play around with the idea of the different types of connection. Emotional, rational, spiritual, etc. I think that our interpersonal connections may reflect the balance and proclivities of our souls in that respect and the best connections are on all levels, but I have said enough on this for this arena and Jason deserves a chance to respond.

Insomnia

its now 0314...

I need to go to bed...

I will go to bed.



I think...

Random Quote Book...

So I have found my equivilant of Supermans weakness... Though in my case, instead of a green rock, its a small neighborhood bookstore with a really smart,cute girl who works there, right down the street from Starbucks AND Tully's. WHO KNEW MY WEAKNESS! Books, a crush and coffee all in one city block! Curses, foiled again!

And now for something completely different...

While browsing the kryptonian bookstore, I found the coolest book ever, well at least the coolest book that contains random literary quotes. Funny You Should Say That: Amusing remarks from Cicero to the Simpsons is a new fave, both hilarious and thought provoking. I think I shall be provoked to blog more frequently on some of them, if only for the laugh.

Example:

"The youth of the present day are quite monstrous. they have absolutely no respect for dyed hair." - Oscar Wilde Mr. Dumby in Lady Windermere's Fan, act 3 (1893)

Quit WOW for a while...

I quit WOW... I was nominated for a guild officer-ship, which was an honor, but helped me to realize how much time I was spending in the game.

It was hard as I finally hit level 60 (The highest level) which is a requirement for all the end game content, viewed by many to be the best part of the game. Unfortunately it is also the most time consuming as quests and missions require 20-40 people to get together at one time to do them. This forces you into a certain schedule, up to 6 days a week 5 hours a day (Some professional guilds, yes, professional guilds raid 8 hours a day 5 days a week and between 12-14 hrs on weekends). This may or may not include time spent in game getting "consumables," items needed to put together potions or items that improve player performance in order to succeed in a particular mission or quest. I lay all this out to describe, in part a culture that has some participants, whose existence is greater in the game than it is in real life. This begs an interesting evangelistic question," How do you preach the Gospel to people so involved in a virtual reality?"

The religion in game is based on Light and Shadow, with demons and deities having a hierarchical relationship of superiority, traditionally determined by a cataclysmic showdown of force. There is no agape, no Christ in game. And while role playing is not a requirement, the constant saturation in pseudo-plot causes the mechanics and story to invade your consciousness. You may not "become" your character as you would in something much more insidious like Dungeons and Dragon's, but there remains an indelible imprint on some element of whatever you choose to call you, be it your soul or ego or consciousness.

I know some of my readers, either have played or continue to play WOW and I would like to hear what they have to say as well as those who observe players from a removed standpoint... Basically DISCUSS!

Endless incredulousness

OK...
Is there something wrong with me that no one will tell me about, like some giant gorrilla that is sitting at the table during Thanksgiving dinner that no one talks about?

I mean, come on people! Why the heck can't I get a date? And I was asking her to the friggin' BALLET! It's the "Nutcracker!" Thats like uber-romantic, or so I am told...

Lemme fill in the source of my frustration... Last year about this time of year, a friend that I had been flirting with and talking to at work and I decide that we will actually take a go at an actual dating relationship. I am really jazzed and trying to be spontanious, thoughtful, and romantic, among other "prized" attributes, that I always hear that girls are supposed to be desiring. In hindsight, I may have gone over the top in that I bought her a black evening dress to go along for the evening (now I had checked with her peers, my female co-workers and various other female sources as to the wisdom of this idea).I was doing this all along the lines of thinking, "what girl doesn't like to get dressed up?" Another supposed girl thing, right?

What happens? Long story short, she stands me up a few hours before the actual event and I go by myself. Now don't get me wrong... I actually like the ballet, on top of that, I actually like getting dressed up. (I own three suits for exactly that, though I don't have many opportunities to use them). I had a great time, even though I was by myself.

Fast forward to this year, a few weeks ago. I decide to actually ask out a friend of mine from the Army, who is a Christian and goes to school near here. Same deal, I get the date set-up during a group outing to the Dead Sea Scrolls, but then when I ask her out for coffee she gives me the " I am really not in a place to be dating" line. Now, I don't really doubt her sincerity as she is capable of great introspection and may have found something that she really wants to work on before she engages in a dating relationship. Great... but, excepting that possibility, I am left with a horrible track record. I haven't "dated" in over 18 months, while being told that I am "going to make a great husband" and " I just haven't found the right one yet." Shallow solice for someone who has been through all the major venues of singles really available to me, church, school, internet, friends and networking, hell, I even tried the club scene while I was in Missouri. WTF am I supposed to be trying, the produce isle? (Artichoke hearts aside and country song's not withstanding)

Seriously, am I being deluded by society to think that women actually want a man who values communication, chivalry and virtue? That a guy who is quite comfortable watching and participating in dance, theatre and the arts while still being masculine enought to go pound down the hoops or toss the pigskin is appealing? How about one that knows how to cook and is willing to, opens the door for a lady, walks between a woman and traffic, offers his coat when she's cold? Damn, I live alone and I STILL put the seat down when I finish!

I admit freely that I am not Brad Pitt or McDreamy, but the fact that I listen to women and actually know who McDreamy is because I listen should get me some points, right? How about the fact that there is nothing that I would rather do than spend the rest of my life discovering the depths of a womans heart, with all its nooks and crannies, like the fact that she only likes Hershey's syrup on her ice cream when its raining, or that she has a special attachment to Troll figurines from her childhood, all the while knowing and discovering how the two of us reflect God's diametrical creation in each similarity and difference. I want to share my soul with someone and through that discover the intimacy that Christ seeks with his Bride, the Church.

I know the quips about "nice guy's finish last," but all I want to do right now is finish.

New Song...

So I have discovered a few things about myself lately... So fittingly I decided that I would put them on "myspace."

One of these discoveries came after a night of searching, my new song from Secondhand Serenade... Yeah its emo and kind of mushy, but considering I spent about 4 hours browsing various musical styles and artists to find something that vaguely communicates how how I feel last night, this will serve until I find something better.

I like the TV shows "Scrubs" and "Grey's Anatomy" (Damn you and your good taste Jess!) though I blessed by being too disorganized to watche them consistantly.

I rearranged my apartment and it actually seems like I have a floor. That and all the empty boxes from moving have been broken down. Now all I have to do is find my key to my basement storage and finish moving them out.

I like clean laundry and it really clears up floorspace, but you already knew that.

I don't know what denomination I am yet, but have got an impressive list of what I am not...

Satan is really good at sabatoging a rapid individual spiritual revival. Using a combination of new discoveries and old habits, the best intentions are quickly brought to ruin. "Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner"

I am only beginning to understand the last line of the preceeding statement and I mean beginning the way that I am beginning to recite Pi completely by starting with "3"...

Back to the blog'o'sphere...

Hello world, its been a while...

I feel like I need to come back here and begin to share what is going on because of sunday's sermon. I need to embrace my community and push for intimacy and transparency. But as I was wondering what I should write about, I am totally at a loss. Sure I could write about something intellectual and highbrow, something funny and full of wit, or some keen observation about my experiences over the last bit of time.

The fact of the matter is that I am much more preoccupied with how I feel at the moment. So lonely, empty and cold. Half of me wants to curl up and never see the world again and the other half wants to call some girl I know to be fast and easy (the fact that I don't really know any, but yet have a depraved side that would know exactly where to go online and what to say to talking to them), trying to get into her pants, in a desperate attempt to feel truely connected to somone. The reality is, I would fail at either and am instead left in a semi-detatched limbo. I have spent so much time pouring out of myself (emphasis on the "self"), attempting to be there for people, do my job, and generally hold my life togather. I just don't have it in me and it hasn't really been God working through me, but me working under my own strength. So I drain myself for other people and develop a talent to remain visibly calm on the surface of a problem which sets me up to completely crash in private. I can sink back into myself and my single apartment, my computer games, internet and the psuedo-anonynimity they offer.

Wow, what a small world.

So I am browsing the curse that is myspace.com and I run across all my old friends from high school. As I am reading through their various pages I come across one from a friend that I went to church with in Loma Rica. Low and behold she is here at Ft. Leonard Wood doing chemical training for the Air Force. FREAKY!

The story gets better though as this is the same girl who I ran into in the middle of Bellevue Square, right outside the place that I was working.... this being after I had moved from Northern California to college and then from college to Bellevue. So we have managed to run into each other it two different states on two different occasions... Weird... but at least it gives me someone to hang out with around here.

Church and an interesting Sunday

Interesting afternoon...

Decided to attend church off post this Sunday as the only service that chapel was holding started at 1115 and was titled "traditional." Now I am all about hymns and spiritual songs... but that wasn't exactly what I needed at this juncture. So I looked in the yellow pages for churches in the area, picked out the "Rock of Ages" interdenominational church, and called them up. They were great and gave me a ride to the service and then we fellowshiped over some asian food for lunch.
The service was quite a charasmatic experience though with the full swinging from the rafters speaking in tongues and words of prophecy coming out. Still don't know where I come down on alot of the areas but on thing that I did enjoy was their intigration of the children in the ministry. They invite the children to the front to dance and sing during worship and expect them to pray and minister according to their abilities. I have never seen such excited and motivated children in church. I admired it quite a bit.

Classes start tomorrow with PT bright and early at 0530. Thisis when the fun begins I guess... TTYL